Horoscopes

By: Logan Eadie

Aries: Mar 21-Apr 19

Get your Netflix warmed up, because you’ll be using it a lot; whether it is alone or with someone else – it’s up to you…

Lucky #’s- 12, 5, 174, 0.01, -17

Taurus: Apr 20-May 20

Everything will go wrong today; including this horoscope. Be wary of emails claiming to be from PayPal or eBay – they are almost certainly your friends trying to get a rise out of you. In fact, they’re probably watching you from a webcam placed somewhere around the room you’re currently in. We’re 99% sure that’s where these scam emails come from – people YOU know.

Lucky #’s- 540, 46, 52, 78, -0.00000000001

Gemini: May 21-Jun 20

Today will be full of computer related mishaps; you will not have automatically saved the document you’d been working on for the past four hours.

Lucky #’s- 1, 2, 3, 4, 6

Cancer: Jun 21-Jul 22

Cancelling a direct-debit may land you in hot water with an authority. Tomatoes can be your best friend – go Red for the day. * This horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz, or the Communist Party.

Lucky #’s- 0.1, 0.44, 0.365, 0.25874, 0

Leo: Jul 23-Aug 22

As the fella once said, ain’t that a kick in the head. Not that you’ll be kicked in the head; it’s a metaphor. I mean, for all I know you *are* going to get kicked in the head, so maybe just wear a helmet for the rest of the day.

Lucky #’s- 11, 22, 33, 44, 55

Virgo: Aug 23-Sep 22

Today is not your lucky day. It’s tomorrow instead! So, that’s something to look forward to whilst you’re picking up your teeth with your broken arm.

Lucky #”s- 9, 44, 76, 021, 3.015

Libra: Sep 23-Oct 22

The Nigerian investors you just gave $150 to aren’t real; better call Saul.

Lucky #’s- 150, ∞, ¾, 7, 89

Scorpio: Oct 23-Nov 21

Whilst you may think that this horoscope is completely useless… I have to admit – I have a big secret. You see, all horoscopes are completely useless.

Lucky #-  : A=3 B=4 C=5

Sagittarius: Nov 22-Dec 21

You won’t be hospitalized today, but things may not go as planned. Watch for falling pianos.

Lucky #’s- 3, 6, 9, 12, 1

Capricorn: Dec 22-Jul 19

This month provides you with the greatest chance of making it. So pray to the planets that they stay in alignment or this horoscope will not be fulfilled.

Lucky #’s- 21, 22, 47, 5, 3

Aquarius: Jan 20-Feb 18

Chasing cats and dogs around the streets after midnight is probably not the best way to meet your new neighbors.

Lucky #’s- 0.2, -0.258, 1414, 548, 3

Pisces: Feb 19-Mar 20

You may never find what you’re looking for, but at least you managed to find that picture of the chimp sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper. Romantic evenings are much overrated. Instead of romance, think about food.

Lucky #’s- 2222222222, 99, 875, 757, 1

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