Horoscopes: Spring Edition

By: Drew Myer

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)- You need to invest in some sunshine, you’re looking pretty pale.

Lucky Number: 13

 Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)- Luck will not be on your side for the next couple of months.

Lucky Number: 82

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)- Keep an eye out and you might find some cash on the ground, and my credit cards, and my driver’s license, social security card…

Lucky Number: -56

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)- That girl is going to reject your promposal, so you need to step up your game.

Lucky number: 96

Gemini (May 21-Jun. 20)- I am seeing some vehicle damage in the future, and don’t expect the insurance to cover it either.

Lucky Number: <42

Cancer (Jun. 21-Jul. 22)- Just asking the girl to prom works all the time, 30% of the time.

Lucky number: 78%

Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22)- If you are planning on investing this month, plan on taking a loss as well.

Lucky Number: 35

 Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)- If you don’t have a prom date yet, you won’t have one.

Lucky number: ∞

 Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)- When she starts ignoring you at prom, you will know why I said not to talk to her.

Lucky Number: $2

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)- If you’re worried about going to college next fall, don’t be, because C’s get degrees, kids.

Lucky number: XXXIV

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)- Last summer was pretty bad, this summer won’t be better.

Lucky Number: 49

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)- Keep an eye on the sales this summer, you have some good deals coming your way.

Lucky Number: π

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